This one is for me.
It's been over a year and a half since I've composed a blog- and probably longer than that since I've wanted to.
I'm open about struggling with anxiety and depression, but I shut everyone out when those struggles consumed my thoughts and beliefs. I'm not ashamed of my struggles or how far they took me. I am disappointed that I haven't done more to bring myself to the person I want to be. My family and friends don't know what I've been experiencing in the last year and a half, but my doctors do- so please, if you find yourself in a dark spot- please reach out to a person you feel safe with. Maybe someday I will open up with my loved ones, but my experience is private while I continue to work on myself and learn what it all means. I'm not a doctor or a professional, and I could be completely wrong about how I should heal, but I know this is what I need.
When I first created my page, website, and blog, I did it to prove to others how talented I am and to explain myself. I've read old blogs and am blown away by the words and emotions. I am so damn proud of all the photos and images I've shared- because I am talented and should share them. But I shouldn't have done it to prove anything. At some point since March 2020, I felt I needed to be more talented and set expectations that I had no business pressuring myself for. I let others' advice and opinions drive me forward. If I conjured a "what-if" situation, I either ran towards it or hid from it, no matter how impossible. My reality became blurry because I changed into someone I thought everyone wanted me to be.
Sounds stupid for a girl in her 30s who described a woman who had her shit together, right?
I've spent the last few months digging into the person I became, and I'm still searching for the girl I want to be. I want to be a girl who truly goes after her dreams because it's HER dream and not chasing after an expectation I think others have.
I'm still lost and rebuilding myself, but each day I look in the mirror to remind myself that I am a talented, beautiful, caring, and strong woman- even when I don't feel that- I still say it because it is true.
So today's blog is FOR me, being the TRUE me, living MY life and MY dreams for me. If I never sell my art, at least I've shared it. If someone reads this and rolls their eyes, at least they read it. If someone has a negative opinion of what I've said or I'm trying to say- it's THEIRS, not mine. It would be pretty awesome if someone wanted to purchase my pieces. It would be humbling if someone felt inspired by my words. I couldn't describe my feelings if someone respected what I chose to share with the world.
But none of that matters- because today, my dreams and life are for ME.
Here's to the rebuild of Fleeting Moments by Noelle.